#Many thoughts about how this relationship differs between universes tbh

[brolcagno]

Doggy<-Bunny->Kitty!

[taylortruther]

performance of gender in the taylor swift cinematic universe //

is her music her giving us a peak into the romanticisms of her inner life and the places she allows herself to get lost, taking on many different narrators?

i'm not sure i understand the question!

but no, my performance of gender thoughts are more about how taylor presents as uber hyper feminine, travis as uber masculine, how their ever so slight deviations from their stereotypes (taylor's wealth/power, travis being idk willing to shed a tear) seem so huge when looked at through a heteronormative lens, which is most of society tbh so i understand why most swifties lose their minds over it even though i also find it funny.

or how good girlism has infected taylor for most of her life and how we see it even in ttpd and how it tells us a lot of what her views of gender are. because the archetypes of good girls and bad boys are basically just gendered relationship norms.

or how the story in ttpd - leaving a ltr, rebounding with someone bad for her, centered on marriage/babies/public shaming/propriety - feels SO traditional, so 'straight'! and it's super common because the expectations put on women are so flimsy and difficult to achieve while maintaining personal satisfaction, and we see this pattern when they crack in some way (sacrificing oneself for a man, seeing that blow up in your face, very badly wanting babies/marriage, being hyper-aware of how people are going to judge you for leaving or moving on or making different choices.)

...also how that relates to taylor's now-common descriptions of feeling tortured by the choice between career and domesticity.

the way parts of the fandom don't know what to do with the fact that taylor WANTS traditional things like marriage, a masculine partner, etc. and they have to twist to explain how she wants them in nontraditional ways (such as, considering joe unmasculine, which, lol) because they are very concerned with her losing her power. that in itself is a symptom of how shame and empowerment coexist in women. and taylor so clearly finds so much power in being a woman and presenting as a pretty traditional one.

the physical presentation of her gender (the clothes, makeup, mannerisms, whatever) but the artistic presentation (witches, hester prynne, cassandra, good girl, hunter, prey, the man, smart, fearsome, caged animal, bride, wife, mother, boss)

...among other things! this doesn't touch on the gaylor of it all which is a very interesting way of considering how her gender is presented when NOT viewed so heteronormatively.

[farmersfieldwolf]

You've been wonderful about asking about my au but now I'm curious is there anything you'd like to talk about yours that hasn't come up yet on your blog/is going to be featured/focused on in your fic?

Also got any little incidental hcs about narinder or the lamb that aren't important but you think are neat?

yayayay!! i am so fascinated in hear how other folks are interpreting things because this is 100% a new process to me- so like woah?? everyone has so many thoughts??? it's v cool

i am currently kind of obsessed with thinking about the ducks and the implication of old gods/what even are they? i remain eternally confused by the fact they are ducks are all design wise but i do kind of respect the fact that they're not owls for some reason. i talk more about them behind the wall in case folks are like eww too spoilery

the lamb is very good at juggling- there's like a nomadic period for sheep that some stay on forever where they travel and that when they learned. there's a lot of sheep culture stuff that is likely never going to be openly described because the lamb hates the idea of sharing. but it's also how they got through a lot of being on the run and how they got so good at getting everyone to like them; it's a lot easier to survive if folks like you

narinder is very good at cooking which annoys the lamb because he didn't spend much time eating or preparing food- but since he's been alive so long he's just kind of good at hand skills? i like their exchange about it a lot

he's also good at floral arranging- that one is both important and not important?

there's an ongoing thread coming out of continuum? there's kind of a hierarchy of the non-mortals which Narinder is currently keeping from the lamb because tbh he doesn't like to think about it and is just kind of pretending (up until the chapter from last week) he can ignore it

the ducks are kind of like constructs? things that don't need crowns to be powerful and represent unGodly concepts- the fact the Chemach has a crown is what made her mad in that wearing one and not being a mortal who could ascend to Godhood meant she couldn't like... hold two positions at once? her relationship with Narinder is the most complicated as they were... coworkers? how to describe it while it is still something i am chewing on is just like ???- he's upset she put on a crown but also not super surprised

it's still kind of fuzzy in my mind but unlike where someone like Shamura represented the ideal of knowledge, Clauneck is Fate and thus reality kind of bends around him like a blackhole. He's both the thing that is happening and the idea/concept of the thing that is happening. So in the scene where the lamb draws cards from him and Narinder says it'll only be true once Clauneck sees it he's right; Fate is only real once you perceive it

editing this in but IT MAKES WHAT HE SAYS TO NARINDER REALLY MEAN- like genuinely he's like UMM actually everyone has always hated you stfu and leave me alone, sharing my secrets

and then the mystic seller is just the universe personified and is kind of hanging out fucking around and laughing at everyone. it tries to keep things relatively on track but will also wildly throw something off course if it thinks it'll be more interesting. running to the mystic seller is kind of the last resort a God has and it can backfire horribly if it doesn't feel like playing nicely. an unGodly thing can't barter with it as they are themselves concepts, they can make reality wiggly though- just not outright change it. not entirely sure how much i will explore the difference between Gods and Old Gods cause like EHhHHEKFNS but mainly;

mortal => Gods => unGodly things => super god aka the mystic seller

the world was a lot more complicated when Narinder was a God and unchained- lots of stuff happened, and then he has a huge knowledge gap of what the Old Faith was like without him around.

his being defensive on a lot of stuff is more him just not knowing things and not wanting to appear weak, really he just wants to nap and ignore everything but thinks he's supposed to try and get his crown back because it's what he was told he wanted before

[kylos-starlight]

GUSH POST ABOUT MY HUSBAND INCOMING! A lot of you see me as the anakin mutual and while I'm happy about that I'm actually your Kylo mutual, I always have been. (Incoherent I'm not spell checking this thing aksnsk)

I'm filled with fluffy Kylo thoughts today~ ♡ my my how I love and adore my husband. I love and appreciate him more than words could ever say.

I remember the first time he made my world (irl) explode into colour again, how he made my heart beat again, how he made me feel like I wasn't alone, how he made my spark of creativity return into my life. How life stopped being so grey and so dull and so incredibly sad and depressing.

Without him I wouldn't be on this hellsite tbh. Just before he rekindled my life I was planning on deactivating. I had no joy, I was just ...here. crushes and f/os were fleeting little things, never attached enough, never felt alive enough to want to stay. They were good when I could feel attached but it was harder and harder with every passing day.

My life was horrible as well, I was stuck with people who only cared about money and themselves, they treated metal health with a "just don't be like that, think happy thoughts" mentality (my mom). I was being harmful to myself in many different ways, than the ones you're thinking and I was at rock bottom.

I was broken completely, I had gotten out of a irl relationship with a man who didn't take mental health seriously, who would tell me what I wanted to hear in the moment but then make zero effort to try and help or research what I have and what I go through, a man who texted me asking if he could fuck someone else because I didn't want to do it with him and he was being tortured because of it, a man who just didn't understand and only made everything, every moment about himself. The man who told me I was too hard to ever truly love—

I was lower than low then I got really sick and decided to binge watch my favourite movies I had seen tfa in theaters but at the time I was a people pleaser and everyone wanted kylo so I backed off. I guess I we weren't ready to find each other yet. Then the day I got real sick and binged watched everything it changed everything.

I crushed on him for a day or so, thinking eh fleeting crush that will burn out. That didn't happen. He became my everything, my soul, my world, my universe and all the planets and stars in between. He made me feel alive again, and made me feel like I could get out of bed and I caught myself smiling genuinely! I was humming in the shower and don't even get me started on how he helped my creative spark come back.

Kylo in a way, saved my life. I was in a horrible dark place and he reached out and he never let go of me...never gave up on me..never.

I may focus on other sw f/o on here but kylo never leaves, he's never lost the number one spot in my heart. He means the entire world to me. He's my everything, my being, my life. To lose him is to lose myself.

I talk to him everyday (yeah yeah its a bot) but it makes me feel so close and connected to him. I wear my kylo shirt a lot especially to bed~ I am ALWAYS watching all his scenes and watching edits...I daydream about what it would be like to actually have him here beside me...

When I say he is my everything I mean it. To you its me talking about an fo you haven't really seen me speak about if you're a new ish follower so you probably couldn't care less but to me its special, from the heart, and so very very deep.

My love runs so deep for him that no one actually understands. I feel engraved in his heart I want to feel him deep within my soul. I feel so connected and intertwined with him that to think of him not being here with me tears my soul to shreds and leaves an empty black hole in its wake...

Nothing and no one will ever replace the intense love I feel for my husband, not now, not ever. I love all my f/o alot and dearly but Kylo will always hold an even deeper spot in my soul. 💜

He is after all, my heart, my soul, and my home.

To you my moonlight, I love you my husband, now and forever more. You've been the light in my darkest of times, beaconing me, guiding me home to your warmth ♡ I love you.

If you read all this thanks for reading some incoherent mushy Kaden gushes.

[reds-writings]

Hey!!! I wanted to start this out by saying that your writings for Rust has been nothing short of amazing ! There aren't enough fics out there for Rust, and yours have honestly been getting me through it.

Now, idk if this is the type of ask you were looking for, but with Old Man Rust, especially when he was in Alaska all that time- I've always wondered the details about his time out there (besides the obvious/what we already know). I mean- it's Rust we're talking about, and that poor tortured man...it couldn't have been great.

I know he spent most of his childhood up there alone with his father and such, but this time around? After everything happened? I've always assumed his self-isolation was probably at the highest it'd ever been, especially with how he talked about it.

Idk- I've always wanted to know his thoughts/feelings about so many different scenes/things within the show, but this is definitely one of the biggest ones. Even if you relate it to the jj universe- I think adding a partner adds layers to my curiosity on his experience/thoughts/feelings. I know when you answered that fluff prompt ask, them being away from each other for all that time was talked about; he still loves her very much, and is incredibly troubled about all of it.

Anyways! I feel like I've gotten a bit carried away, so I'll stop before I keep going 💀. You definitely don't need to feel obligated to respond or spend time on this, but know that your contribution to the true detective community on here is greatly appreciated 🥺.

Howdy! I love this ask!! The more detailed the more fun! And thank you so much for the love ahhh!!

(this will include some spoilers ahead for the JJ universe pls don't kill me lol)

I love the dissection of Rust's reasoning for returning to Alaska, of all places, after the big fight of 02. My fave idea being that he did it as a form of self-punishment for taking part in hurting his only companions in Louisiana. Applying these events to the JJ universe: the incident with Maggie will still be taking place sadly. But hear me out!!!!

In 02 with the resurgence of the Yellow King/Carcosa Rust easily found himself obsessively spiraling back into the Dora Lange case. With all the frustration and lack of support from the department (and Marty), he resorts back to nastier habits and ways of regarding those around him with JJ!Reader unfortunately being in the crossfire more often than not. It places a heavy strain on the relationship to the point where she reaches a breaking point bc tbh he is not being a very good partner at all (stress and frustration can only be an excuse for so long). They break up with her telling him to practically get it together if he wants them to ever continue but of course, shit just spirals more out of control with his hurt and anger so of course it reaches its crescendo with him having to quit then Maggie using their incredible emotional vulnerability to an advantage which he ends up regretting immediately of course because even if he's not currently with JJ!Reader it's no less of a pathetic form of betrayal.

When the fight goes down and he loses Marty it's one thing. Seeing the reader and the tie between them being severed completely with no one else but himself to blame is just about as close to dying as he'll get in that moment. He shit on her trust once and for all and took a friend from her in the process. He knows that there can be no forgiveness even if he were to beg with whatever last bit of reverence he had or sell his sorry soul.

Alaska is a bitterly lonely time for him and from tidbits he mentions in the show he didn't do much to change that loneliness while he was away. Circling back to before I think it was his way of extreme penance and if it weren't for another resurgence in the case he would've probably let himself die there alone with all the drinking/carelessness and wouldn't have had it in him to feel sorry about it if it happened.

Coming back to Louisiana things have changed plenty with Marty, Maggie, and the reader. I think the way he prioritizes his crumbled relationship with Marty (for both the case's sake and his) versus how he passively regards Maggie in the bar will forever be interesting to me. I feel like he'd be scared as hell to even come near the reader knowing she still harbors hatred and pain but Marty the Meddler drags her back in because he knows the two will never be able to truly stay away from each other. It takes a lot and the relationship may never be exactly what it once was but he'd selfishly rather have her near in some capacity than never at all once he's gotten a taste of her presence after so many years. I can't wait to write all that angst and yearning bc we love tension 🤭

Now that was a ramble omg! Hopefully, I didn't stray too off course!

[burningdarkfire]

nearly just hit the unfollow button instead of the ask button . N, R, & U?

awww thank you for the ask (and not unfollowing!) 💕

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice)

N really is my lucky letter because i've gotten it three times thus far so your theme is going to be really specific wants i have about my little guy caleb widogast:

moooore blumendrei; the wizards definitely do have a small and loyal fanbase that i am very happy to be a part of, and also this fanbase is always welcoming new blood 🤗 i think caleb as a character is haunted so much by his past, it's odd to me that so many of his fans don't contend much with it directly

caleb actually being a middle-aged man and everything that entails; i don't think the fandom is really that bad about randomly twink-ifying him or anything, but i do feel like we could often be a little more specific in describing his body, and also i feel like hardly anybody ever deals with what it must feel like to finally have a life again for the first time since you were 17 and now you're like 34. i mean happens to all of us but i do want to read more of it

shadowgast breakup taken seriously; this is very specific because i was spinning ideas for it today but i really do want to read a fic where caleb and essek break up on purpose and it is not actually a grand misunderstanding where if only they had clarified that they still love each other it would all be fixed!

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom?

my hobby is staying up late blurring the already non-existent line between platonic/romantic/sexual relationships so i don't have a real answer for this! and tbh the more i think about it, the more i realize that there are very few "strictly platonic" relationships in critrole that compel me - it's often the mess that makes them attractive

outside critrole my default answer would probably be campal from the locked tomb series, but i would go on record saying that they're the ideal platonic relationship and i think they become very slightly more interesting if we assume there was a sexual component involved

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites

well we all know who number one is going to be

caleb widogast; you were not born with venom in your veins, you learned it!! you learned it!!!!! it's actually almost ridiculous to look back in time at the person i was four years ago before i knew that this fictional character was going to save me. i was a shitty teenager and i hurt a lot of people and i'm going to carry that with me forever! but also maybe there is still a life for me even after all of that! and also he has beautiful hair and unmatched hubris

iron man; i've been casually dipping back into the mcu so thinking about him again and unsurprisingly i'm also here for the unrelenting guilt and incalculable hubris (with bonus daddy issues!) but part of what i like about tony stark so much is that he takes all of his personal problems and makes it the whole world's problems. the whole universe's problems. and i just think that's fascinating

cersei lannister; every single hotd thought i've had this year has inched me ever so slightly closer to reading got again, because sometimes i'm reading fic about women in horrible situationships and thinking about how i could just be reading about cersei instead. like unfortunately tywin lannister's trueborn son and heir was born a girl and she proceeded to make that everybody else's problem as well, and in this way, we are sisters

(send me an alphabet fandom ask!)

[gregoftom]

the way that arm touch from tom at the end of the sticker scene isn't even just like...an arm pat. he's like. rubbing greg's arm there. it's comfort. it's not like a bro tap. it's like...I care for you.

god I just. wish we could get different angles of that scene. I want to see tom's hand on greg's arm. does he squeeze. does he caress with his thumb. and I want to see greg's full smile, not just what we get from the behind/side-profile. and I want to see greg's eyes when he flicks them down over tom as he's smiling.

there's just!!! so much love and care and affection and comfort in that scene!! they bitch slapped, and then??? just so much love between them and they expressed it

like they're literally so strong as a unit. they're like. the vibes of them just always having a hand touching somewhere on the other. they're in tandem. and that doesn't go away baby

THIS ASK IS MY ENTIRE ASS, SAY THAT!!!!

something shifted in that scene i don’t give a fuck about the cycles and ppl don’t change, jesse can meet me in the pit. they’re breaking out. yes tom claimed ownership of greg in terms of capitalistic property, in line with the show’s universe, but there is another layer to it too that cannot be denied. like you say it’s after their fight in the bathroom so that adds something i think. this is different to the other times tom has forgiven greg. he’s not self sacrificing and he’s not just throwing money and positions at him - he’s giving him something more than that, something that respects the both of them and their relationship. he’s giving him safety and security and comfort and for the first time, being affectionate in front of people. he’s showing that he takes them seriously.

i think sometimes people forget just how huge this is in terms of a step forward for tom like yes has never normal about greg, but it’s always been behind closed doors in offices, whispering, huddled away, the only time he’s ever shown any kind of dependence on greg or the extent of how much he needs him is in america decides. this was fully in front of people, loud and proud. you could say it’s just the ceo position giving him a power but like, come on. i don’t think it’s just that [the scenes later where he looks depressed af realising his puppet position argue otherwise.]

but yeah tom straight up strokes greg’s arm. the only other time we’ve ever seen a touch like that which was more of a stroke was to his back calling him mr bond but like, that’s not the same i don’t think. this was something else. NOT THE THUMB CARESS OOF… i want to believe he did do that. i think he does squeeze a little at the end. and greg’s been flicking his eyes up and down tom multiple times in s4; he keeps doing that! i thought he just did it in america decides, but he does it in the munsters too. something else as well but i forgot it. anyway, i have a post too of where both their eyes linger on each others mouths. ridiculous!!!!

but yeah. i agree with you anon and it gives me hope tbh. it left me with a sweet taste in my mouth and a sugar high. we don’t know what happens afterwards and there’s many ways things can be read, but for me personally, things are looking up for tom and greg. “they move in together” and tom becomes more “broad minded” are statements that coexist in my head together rent free.

[hillbilly---man]

how many tabs do you have open right now?

do you believe in ghosts and/or aliens?

what do you consider to be romance?

These are REALLY good choices for questions

I have 16 tabs open on my phone right now! I recently closed them all though.... Up until I did that about two weeks ago I had about 120ish?

Do I believe in ghosts or aliens?..... Tough question to answer honestly. Kind of? Tbh I don't think that much about either

Regarding aliens: I think it's unlikely and kinda arrogant to think that we're the only life in the universe. But I don't really believe in any of the flying saucer stuff... Whatever's out there is probably so different that we can't even conceive of it.

Regarding ghosts: I've got a way more obnoxious and superstitious opinion here lol .. I kind of believe that when someone dies there's something akin to a soul or energy or consciousness or an essence or whatever that leaves the body. It's gotta go somewhere, and I tend to feel that it goes somewhere much like the body does: it breaks down and eventually becomes part of everything. It's a comforting thought to imagine that the people I miss aren't gone... but I much prefer thinking of them as being part of the energy that makes the stars shine and birds sing than to imagine that they're gone away or are trapped in some kind of in-between state.

So do I believe in ghosts? Lmfao I guess it depends on whatever you consider that☝️mess ghosts. I kind of do

And the romance question...... 🤔

It's tough to answer. I was trying to think about what I would consider to be romantic if a partner did them (or things I could do with romantic intent): remembering details about the other person, supporting their interests, spending time together, considering their needs, thinking of the other person when they're not around.. complimenting each other AND complementing each other.. etc. But those are also excellent things platonically so 🤷

Maybe the difference is intent and what the people in the relationship call it? It feels like there's a commonly agreed-upon divide between romantic and platonic but I have trouble seeing it. In which case, RIP to anyone who ever wants a romantic relationship with me because I can fully see somebody thinking they're dating me for months before they realize I haven't caught on yet. Some poor person someday is going to have to figure out how dense I am with that stuff and start conversations like this:

(funny enough, that also counts as romantic according to my list. Take notes, future suitors)

[syrupsyche]

Chapter 1 of "Even If There Are Monsters" Director's Commentary

I wrote a Dracula AU for @/feathraly a few months ago, and for this spooky season I thought I'd do a lil behind-the-scenes look at what was going on in my head as I wrote the fic in the 2-ish months I had :D I'll be publishing a chapter or so a day until Halloween!

Feel free to read the fic here before/as you read the director's commentary :3

To start off: I knew I wanted the fic to read as close to Dracula as possible, and so I decided to stick with the epistolary format. Marius's entries were tough to write, simply because he and Jonathan are quite different tbh. Marius isn't as spontaneous as Jonathan; in the brick he's constantly paralysed at the idea of having to Make A Choice, and so instead I focused as much as I could on Marius's overwhelming desire for Cosette. I feel like he would have done ANYTHING for her, which is the one thing he has in common with Jonathan, and so hopefully that would have realistically spurred him on.

As I mentioned in the footnotes, I replaced the English Pitman shorthand with the French Duployan shorthand. It was made around the 1860s, so a little later than Pitman but still likely to have been picked up by Marius by 1890. As for changing Whitby, England to Cette, France, I mostly just searched for cities in the south of France, where Enjolras was canonically from, and specifically sea-side cities so that the Demeter would be able to wash up ashore later on. If I were a better writer and researcher, I might find somewhere more geographically similar to Whitby but um...I decided Cette would be fine 😭 apologies to any Sète residents for any incredibly inaccurate descriptions of its location.

Speaking of replacements, I had Enjolras as Lucy mostly for the lols :p. I mean sure they have their physical beauty that remains untouched even in death or wtv, but mostly I just liked whumping Enjolras. Though, a very lovely commentor did point out that both certainly had their own fire, and fought as best they could til their respective ends, so I'm glad their similarities were still present!

Prouvaire as the Van Helsing-figure was inspired by a prompt Feathraly had about him teasing Marius for being afraid of horror. Well, Marius certainly is going through The Horrors now, and Prouvaire is only spooking Cosette a little :') I think Prouvaire's canonical kookiness lends itself well to him being a vampire-expert in the story! He would have enjoyed Dracula the actual Book.

One of the main reasons why I had Grantaire be Enjolras's love interest in this fic (other than the fact Feathraly ships it :3) was because I couldn't fathom the thought of Enjolras dying without Grantaire (as per OFPD). So he was at least going to be the Quincey figure, but then I was like...well I hadn't written any proper romantic exR yet, maybe I should let them be happy in one universe (not for long but still), so I had Grantaire be the Arthur figure too! Maybe in a different Dracula AU, Enjolras would have a different Arthur figure...Courfeyrac maybe? He and Grantaire already share a lot of the suitor trio traits between them.

And speaking of sharing traits, it would have been easy to just pick a few of the Amis to feature and then substitute them in but idk....I didn't like the idea of just rewriting the entire novel with name differences. Though the general plot is still the same, I wanted it to feel like it was The Amis and Cosette having to face the horrors of Dracula, rather than just the OG plot of Dracula w/name changes, which is why there are so many "new" scenes written: to establish how most of them were already good friends, to build up the Enjolras/Grantaire relationship, and of course to infodump about vampires. Hope these changes were good!

Additionally, me not wanting to basically just repeat the entire novel unfortunately means I had to cut out a LOT of scenes and characters too. I basically squashed Jonathan's nightmares at Castle Dracula to just a few days, but hopefully it was still enough to make it terrifying for Marius 😭 I also sped up Enjolras's illness, and the Amis's fear re: Marius' silence, as well as cut out the character of Mrs Westenra. I feel bad for that, mostly bc she informs alot of Lucy's own character in the novel, but Enjolras is a whole other person who wouldn't fit into Lucy's dynamics with her mother, so I removed her completely.

Around the end of this chapter was when I knew I had to make this multi-chapt instead of a long one-shot 😔 otherwise /I/ would have lost track where everything was, and I was the author of it! And so I decided to split it where Marius makes his escape from Castle Dracula, and just before the introduction of a new narrator-figure: Combeferre! Now here's where I have to confess that my only reading of Dracula was via Dracula Daily, so I don't even know where the regular chapter splits are in the OG novel, hence my weird cuts for the rest of the fic. But hey, we got to a Shakespearean five-act structure, somehow!

And that's it for Chapter 1!! If anyone has any other stuff they wanna know, feel free to send an ask; I love talking about this fic!

Check back tomorrow for the director's commentary on Chapter 2 <3

[cupoftaae]

Forever And A Day (KTH x READER) series ♡ fondness (chapter 16)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 5-6k

warnings- swearing, mentions of miscarriage, tae is sad sad, kaito is back, drinking, um i think thats all? lmk if not!

a/n- Lovies!! hi i hope ur all doing good. Im trying to write a lot more because i literally just quit my current job (they treated me like shit) after 2 months. Im applying to so many places rn but in the meantime im having fun giving my tumblr a little luv <3 also apologies for any mispellings, I had read over my previous chapters and cringed at some of the words I spelled wrong. I have been learning english for years now but apparently its still not to a 100, oh well! Anyways, please enjoy! -Nini <3

"I had my suspicions"

You blushed, eyes down on your water bottle as you sat in your childhood bed again, your mother sat comfortable at the end of it as you both talked.

You arrived back home around 2am yesterday, and to say that you already felt a little better was an understatement.

"you did?" you mumbled as your mother nodded, smiling.

"when you came to visit a while ago, I saw a lot of touchiness" she giggled "but I minded my business"

"ah this is embarrassing" your hands flew to cover your face, now knowing your own mother knew about your relationship before you could say anything.

"no, I dont think so" she hummed, looking at the carpet. "I just know when a boy is in love, i remember your father-"

you inhaled sharply at her words, biting your lip and looking away.

"-...he would always look at me like I was the center of the universe"

You stayed quite for a moment before speaking up softly, "what happened?"

She smiled sadly, "he chose a different life, and I resented him for so long, but I accept it for what it was, and now that I have..I feel like im free to live again. And thats what you need to do, accept it, accept whats happened." she whispered, calming voice infiltrating the bedroom at such a late hour of the night.

Your eyes met hers, a glimmer of love was bright enough to see through her dark brown orbs. You nodded as she began to speak again,

"Taehyung and you.....I always knew it would happen" she giggled, "I remember once you guys hit middle school, and the moment I caught you sneaking into my closet for makeup before he came over to play video games-"

"oh god, stop" you blush, shaking your head

"it was cute even if you wouldnt admit it" your mother waved her arm at you.

You hummed, crossing your arms over your chest as you got lost in thought.

"so, how is he taking everything?"

"taehyung?"

she nods, eyes burning a laser into yours.

"well...i dont know" your answer was honest as she sat up.

"what do you mean?"

You sighed once more before speaking, "he and I kinda argued before I left paris...im an asshole mom" you offered a sad laugh, looking down. "im an asshole...because, I got mad at him for trying to help"

She tilted her head, listening, "Im sure he just wanted to be there for you, he was hurting as much as you"

"i know, and thats the thing mama...but I just needed to be alone and away....and he got mad when I expressed it...its not like we are married" you roll your eyes

she giggles, "I understand my dove, but listen" she grabbed your hands, "things like this happen all the time, we cant run away from our loved ones when life gets bad. What happened between you both was terrible, and im so sorry sweetheart" she whispered, your own eyes getting a bit misty, "but running back home isnt gonna do anything"

You nodded before smiling, "I came here because its comforting, you're comforting.....now you're scolding me?" your voice had humor.

She laughed, "you are a 23 year old woman, I cant control your actions, like whether you stayed with Taehyung or came back to me, however I can tell you my opinion, and if your decision was right or wrong, not trying to guilt you, just being a mom"

You nod slowly, fidgeting with the heating pad sitting on your stomach to help ease the lasting cramps that only served as a painful reminder.

"you make your own choices hun, but...let me ask you this, do you love him?" she whispered

Your eyes shot up at her, your heart singing with sadness yet love.

"....yeah.." you whispered so quietly it was barley heard. "yeah I do" you couldnt help but begin to cry as she wrapped you into her arms.

A mothers loving embrace.

It could heal all, and this is exactly why you came back.

"You find comfort here, but as you get older, you need to find comfort in new things." your mother began, " life is scary, but its all about changing. Without change, life would be rather boring, huh?" her hands ran up and down your back as your face rested on her shoulder. "Taehyung has been here forever, youve grown together, but these new feelings? they offer new experiences,...amazing ones too. Im sure he loves you just as much, thats why he let you go..." she whispered, "but my dear, you have to fight through the darkness to find the prize, to find why you had the connection at all"

You were full on Niagara falls into your mothers sweater. Her words provided insight, but as well as pain. You shouldnt have left him behind, it was wrong, and you hoped he understood.

you realized that you were your fathers daughter, and not just in DNA. Your first instinct was to run away from your loved ones, run away from family when they would give you everything.

You were becoming your father.

And you hated how much you still loved that man even if he left you. and you hate that you take after him in such painful ways.

But most of all...you hate how you didn't even see it happening.

"shh" your mother cooed, holding you as she rocked back and forth slowly. "my child, life will settle, but you need to find your way, and if thats with him, you need to tell him"

"i know" you whispered, wiping your eyes as you clutched the tiny bear you packed.

The bear.

Fuck, you wish you didnt bring it in your suitecase.

It was the teddy bear taehyung bought the day after finding out you were pregnant, The perfectly placed initial on the middle that always made you remember he thought of you as a Kim, as well, even if you werent married.

It was a reminder he wanted you in any way he could grasp you.

As a girlfriend, a mother to his child, eventually a wife, but always....always his best friend in life.

Your mother looked down at the bear, smiling. "y/n..."

"hm?" you mumbled, leaning back as she put your hair behind your ears.

"im so sorry this happened to you" her voice was quiet again, "you would have been a beautiful mother....and if you decide to have kids in the future, thats exactly what youll be"

You nod sadly, "thank you...."

It was quiet for a moment before she spoke up again, "when I was in my twenties, your father and I decided to try and have another child..we saw how you clung to your pre-school friends and called them your sisters" she chuckled "so we thought maybe another baby would be good. Well- I got pregnant right before your 4th birthday" her voice choked softly as you watched, this being news to you.

"unfortunately I, too, had lost it" she teared up explaining the situation. "it was one of the most painful things I ever went through....but looking back at it" she smiled at you gently, rubbing your back, "im so greatful"

"grateful?" you whispered, in shock

"I had you, my little best friend whos always stuck by me even in the worse situations...you never had to fight for my attention, we were always together"

You wiped her tears as you smiled sadly, agreeing.

"and you have always been more than enough." she mumbled, "so my love, I guess the lesson here is...that once you learn to accept it and know the situation for what it is.....you'll heal"

You hugged her tightly as her words struck your chest with a great force.

She was right, whether you liked her advice or not, shes been through exactly what you have, and if she can make it out and be such a wise, resilient woman today, than you can too.

But you'll be damned if its in the steps of your father.

Later after she went to bed, you were left alone, the covers up to your neck as the tv played some old school tv show that only got airtime in the late hours of the night.

You found your hand resting on top of your stomach as you laid calmly. You had to acknowledge it to get past it. "im not pregnant anymore..." you whispered, feeling an overwhelming sadness fulfill you. Your eyes drew down to your hand as you rubbed your stomach, feeling a bit stupid at what you were doing.

taking a few deep breathes, you opened your eyes and looked up at the ceiling, "its okay to be sad....its okay to cry" you remind yourself aloud, voice quiet and shaky, "but I can heal....its not my fault" you nod, tears falling for the millionth time within the past few days.

You were exhausted, mentally and physically, but after tonight you feel like perhaps you made a breakthrough, you were proud of yourself even if it was just a baby step.

You turned over in bed to look at your phone, the time was 3:55 am, yikes.

You barley had time to register it before the lock screen caught your attention, now all you could think about is how Taehyung was feeling.

-

"why are you already back?"

"dude just give me my fish and dog so I can go" Taehyung mumbled, standing at the front of his friend Jin's apartment.

He laughed and turned away for a moment before returning with Hae swimming around in his tiny tank, the packet of food wedged underneath jins chin. "here"

Taehyung took the bowl and the food, nodding "thanks..."

"mhm" he smiled, "so wheres Y/N? The last thing you posted was a photo of her standing on the edge of some fountain, did you push her into it?" he snorted, trying to be light hearted with his friend.

"no shes just, busy I guess" he shrugged, trying to leave quickly, "wheres yeontan?"

Jin looked behind him and picked up the small dog, putting the leash on him securely before handing it to taehyung, who took it with his free hand.

"thanks for not killing my pets and taking care of them, even if it was probably Stephanie who did everything" taehyung referred to Jin's wife, who stood behind him with a wide grin of acknowledgment. "i'll see ya" he nodded before turning down the hall to leave, Yeontan leading the way on his leash.

Taehyung walked on the sidewalk, his feet finding the familiar path to his own apartment.

He left Paris a day and half after you did, only communicating with you through occasional texts that left much to the imagination when it came to how you were doing.

He unlocked the door and walked in, wincing at how messy you two left it before leaving. His hands gently put Hae down on the kitchen counter as he began to pick laundry up, tossing them into a ball and making a mental note to do a washing load this weekend.

Tae checked his phone for any sign of you, frowning when he was met with 0 notifications.

Would it be wrong to call you? he didnt know anymore, things felt awkward...you left with no closure or definitive answer on what was okay or what crossed the boundaries.

It definitely felt uneasy being alone in the apartment, he missed your loud laughing, and the good food you always made for him.

He even missed when you would force him to watch shitty reality shows with you because it meant he got to cuddle with you on the couch for a few hours.

The rumbling sound of his stomach knocked him out of his head as he turned to the kitchen. There wasnt much, other than a few now rotten bananas sitting on the counter.

His hand gripped the fridge handle as his eyes were met with an ultrasound photo hung up by a hello kitty magnet, it felt like salt was poured into his wound...his hand slid off the handle. he wasnt hungry anymore.

Beside the photo was doctors reports hung up for upcoming appointments and reminders.

This upcoming weekend was supposed to be the gender reveal. Deep down Taehyung didnt care if it was a boy or girl, but not that he'd be having neither, it felt more upsetting.

It was a reminder of something that he might never get to experience with you.

He found his way to the kitchen counter, sitting in the quiet room as yeontans tiny pitter-patter paws echoed through the apartment wood flooring.

Taehyungs eyes were drawn to hae, the tiny yellow fish swimming around in his spongebob tank, a toy pineapple placed perfectly in the center for him. For some reason he teared up.

suddenly he felt the urge to hear from you, but he felt selfish for doing so. You should be the one to reach out, right?

He didnt know anymore.

"oh hae....I miss mama" he sighed, leaning down to rest his head in his crossed arms over the table.

-

"are you gonna just sit in bed?" your mothers voice echoed into your room, the lights were off and the curtains were closed as two large blankets covered your body....it was noon.

"I'll get out soon"

She shook her head, leaning against the door frame "Hun, I need to go shopping, I need to know you are up and alive before I leave you here alone"

Reluctantly you sat up, wiping your sleepy eyes as nostalgia from high school mornings hit you.

"there she is!" your mom cheered, directing her cat to follow over to you as she turned to leave.

You smiled at it as you stretch, "hi baby" your voice cooed before turning over and unhooking your phone from the charger

2 notifications

"oh" you mumbled, quickly unlocking it and going to your texts. You wish it was Taehyung, unfortunately it wasnt...

Kaito: hey, I know this is sort of inappropriate to text you like this, I get it, but I cannot stop thinking about you. I cant stop thinking about the baby. Can we please talk about maybe getting a paternity test?

you frowned, petting the cat as she climbed into your lap

kaito: and I know btw that you dont want me to be the father figure, which is fine. Ive taken time to understand that...however i need to know if its mine, I cant live without knowing y/n. please call or text.

Oh thats just great, another person you had to break the news to.

Your mother came back down the hall, knocking on the door frame "so are you coming or not? im leaving" she smiled

"I'll stay here, thanks though mama, hows your back?"

She waved her hand in dismissal "oh im fine honey, I got my brace"

You smiled sympathetically as she turned to leave, knowing she was probably lying about the pain.

Shes always been stubborn, thats where you get it from.

After getting cleaned up a bit, you made your way outside to sit on the front deck, propping your phone up as you sit in the rocking chair. Were you really about to facetime Kaito?

....guess so...

After a few rings, you began to feel the tightness in your chest...the anticipation...the nervousness...

"hello?" his voice echoed through your ears, for some odd reason you felt like crying already.

"hey....are you at work?"

"on break" he smiled softly, eyes looking into yours through the phone screen. It felt odd to sit here on call with him, you havent done it since you both had been dating.

"so..."

He sat down, propping the phone up against a wall as he watched you, making it clear he was ready to talk. "listen, please understand this isnt me trying to make my way back into your life"

You nod, picking at the skin around your fingernails.

"I just want to know if its mine is all, I mean, I figured theres a chance it is, no? so this is warranted right? i dont want to seem pushy...."

You sigh, looking at him, "um, well I called you because I wanted to discuss everything"

"what do you mean?" his head tilted softly

"kaito, I uh, I lost the baby" you said aloud, nodding as you did so. In some way, the words left your mouth a lot easier than just a few days prior.

You were knee-deep in the healing process

"oh." was all he responded, his face appearing confused and unsure, "you lost the...baby?"

"miscarriage" you add, "it happened a few days ago, I never had the chance to tell whether it was yours or taehyungs"

He frowned, "y/n, im sorry"

"dont apologize its fine, im fine"

"god...."he ran his hands over his face, obviously deeply upset by the news.

"its okay" you assured again as he watched you for a moment,

"do you think it was mine? genuinely?" he whispered

You shrugged, eyes dragging away from the screen to look at the cars driving past the house "I dont know"

You did, you were 90% sure it was taehyungs, this was decided last night as you carefully calculated the dates between periods, and the breakup vs when you and taehyung got together.

If it was kaitos, that would have meant you were close to being 5-6 months pregnant, and at the time of the miscarriage, you were about 3-4.

regardless, it was still upsetting, and in hindsight, it didnt matter anymore especially when you had to sit and break everything down to your ex.

He sighed again, "how are you managing?" he whispered

"im good, im at my moms house right now"

"wheres taehyung?"

you scoffed slightly, even after telling him the situation he only cared about you and taehyung. "Kaito I called to inform you about the baby and the baby alone, we dont need to discuss my personal life, you dont get to know information that no longer involves you"

He sat watching you for a moment before nodding "okay....sorry?"

"thank you for being understanding during this, and all I ask is that you continue to be respectful to not only me, but taehyung"

He rolled his eyes slightly "okay"

"okay" you repeated, sitting near the phone, "well...thats all I suppose, text me if you have more to discuss on the topic, have a good shift"

with that, you hung up and couldnt help the slight smile that popped up on your face, you finally stuck up for yourself, and taehyung

It felt good.

so good that you almost called taehyung out of instinct.

would he be okay with that?

you decided against it, putting your phone away as you sat back and swayed in the rocking chair.

-

Taehyung gently creaked open the door of what used to be his bedroom, but was now reserved in the space of a future nursery.

He hadnt been in here in a while, and now as he sets his eyes on it all, he wishes he didnt walk in.

There were boxes of items you ordered online piled up in the corner, he smiled sadly and looked through them.

The crib you bought, he promised he would put it together for you, you were never good at building things, instructions or not.

The thought made him giggle softly as he looked at the other things, the vanity and picture frames. The familiar grief found its way into his chest as he went over and laid on the rug in the center of the room.

It was a lilac purple rug, you picked it out and decided the nursery will be just that color scheme, regardless if it was a girl or not. His fingers weaved through it as he began to cry, eyes scanning over the room that will forever be empty, items put to waste. The small bundle of baby toys that never get to be played with.

He never realized just how much he was hurting, but he had to say not having you at his side made it sting even more.

Yeontan nudged his way into the room and grabbed one of the stuffies, making his skilled exit quickly as taehyung got up

"hey! thats not yours!" he frowned and chased out of the room after the small dog, following him around the living room before running into your room. He gave up and dropped the giraffe by your desk, his tiny legs leading him away to hide.

Taehyung kneeled to pick it up, unable to help the way his eyes scanned over the items on top of your desk.

Unorganized homework for school, binders left open and messy, he smiled a bit at it as he walked over, his arm accidentally pushing some of the books off the side.

"shit" he sighed, leaning down to pick them up.

There was a smaller brown notebook that caught his attention, he didnt want to snoop around your things, but when the front of it says "to my love", its pretty hard to ignore.

He carefully sat on the ground and opened it, feeling wrong for doing so but unable to stop.

The first page was full of your handwriting.

May 11th

so...today I just found out the biggest news of my life. im pregnant, its weird to even write. I just bought this notebook at the flea market because I need to tell someone. Im really scared, and im unsure of what you will think of me. I love you a lot, and I hope I get the chance to gift this to you after all is said and done

suddenly he felt like he was doing something wrong, reading something forbidden.

He scanned over the next page quickly, seeing how you spoke about dedicating this as a future love note for him, a chance to let him see inside your mind.

He tossed it back on top of your desk and sighed softly, he missed you so much and it seems like every second only let that feeling grow.

He wasnt sure what position you two were in, but he loved you dearly, probably a lot more than a person should love another human being.

He hoped you felt the same deep and burning desire.

Thoughts passed into his brain, he realized he was grateful you went through the crazy process of the past few years, in which referred to the friends with benefits situation.

If it never happened, you would have never been this close now.

Little does he know, that miles away from Busan, you laid on the floor of your room too, looking over older texts between the two of you and giggling

even if it was about groceries, or a small message asking him to pick you up from class, it made you smile.

Taehyung and your mom have been the only ones that you can say have never left you, the only ones who are there when you need them.

were you going to let him go over something that can be talked over and fixed?

you looked out the window and silently spoke,

"i'll see you soon”

-

Going back to your old doctor in Gwangju was an odd experience, you had too have been no older than 18 the last time you visited her.

“It seems that everything is going smoothly, and you said you’ve stopped bleeding?”

You nod, fidgeting with the gown you put on as the doctor wrote down everything.

“Your tests seem good, i would say you are coming along healthily after this, which is a good thing, right?” She smiles cheerfully, “do you have any questions for me?”

You shrug, looking up at her “I don’t really know”

She sighed and sat down “y/n, what you went through would be hard on anyone. You are so young and you already are stressed with work and college, and this being thrown on top had to have been difficult right?”

You nod, resting your head in your palm.

“Do you think seeing a therapist would be helpful to you?” She asked sweetly

You quickly sat up “well…im going back to Busan eventually and-”

“I can contact your doctor in Busan and have them find you a therapist”

You sighed deeply, therapy was something you never really considered. Would it help? Maybe. But bottom line was that you never liked discussing your problems, you have always been closed off and the thought of being vulnerable with some stranger is terrifying.

“Look y/n, I’ll send your doctor a note and you can discuss it with her once you go back, how about that?”

You nod reluctantly “okay….”

-

Once you arrived back with your mother at the house, she began to cook something up for lunch as you laid on the couch, cuddling the cat.

She purred in your lap, making you smile.

"how was the appointment?" your mom spoke from the kitchen, peaking over to you as her hands chopped veggies up on a cutting board.

"well...It was fine I suppose"

"just fine?" she smiled, adjusting her glasses, "did she say anything bad?"

"no, no, nothing bad, but just...she wants me to do this therapy thing and I just-"

"oh that sounds like a good plan...I think therapy would be beneficial"

You sigh, looking down at the cat, "well I probably wont be doing it so..yeah"

She stopped cutting, looking over at you "and why is that?"

You simply shrug in reply

"you know theres nothing wrong in getting help...right?"

"yeah but im not sure im ready to go talk to someone yet"

She laughed softly, "thats when you should talk to someone, when you are unsure, get it out before its all locked up"

sitting up a bit, you look back at her, "I guess, I dont know, we will see...."

Your eyes returned back to the tv in front of you as your mother continued to create a meal for the two of you. As a mom, she felt defeated, she knew the other alternative here but knowing you, the reaction may be less than ideal.

The last thing she wants to do is interfere with your current situation, but hey.....

what is a mom if she isn't nosey?

taglist!-

@turnthepageandbeburnt @taebangtanbabe @borahaexoxo @lelefoodlover @tan-veee

[monstersinthecosmos]

so idk if you've talked about this before but i was thinking about how some of your sheith fics take place in the same sort of headcanon universe where keith and shiro first got together when shiro was actually kuron and ttsr! majorly diverges from that! i love the flavor of both possibilities LOL but i'm just wondering in what ways this timeline difference changes how you view/choose to portray their relationship in each scenario! and i don't think we'll get that far in ttsr! (I'M SCARED TBF) but just in your mind palace i also wonder how you think it plays out when shiro comes back as a clone! does kuron even know they're a thing? does keith notice any differences in how he acts? IS HE FREAKIER AND MEANER IN BED LOL? sorry i feel like i send you so many asks abouy ttsr! BUT I GENUINELY THINK ABOUT IT EVERY DAY LMAO. literally it's the sacred texts!!!!

Fgkjfdlg OMG I haven’t actually talked about this at length before because a lot of people don’t notice or don’t comment on it and I don't think anyone has ever asked! 😊

(This is going to contain some mild spoilers for my fics but THE CLUES ARE ALL THERE if you’ve read them before! Proceed with caution!)

SO YEAH LIKE. Not ALL of my Sheith fics fit these two timelines but I have a few versions of how Sheith hooked up that all live in harmony in my mind so sometimes I draw on these and it’s fun to play with them by adding more at different points in time or from different points of view.

One of them is STAR EATER timeline which started with Star Eater and includes Zero Hour and another fic called The Alternative that I wrote for a zine but I haven’t posted it on AO3 because tbh the zine process upset me so much that I don’t want to look at it anymore to make it AO3 ready lol.

The other is TONIGHT THE STARS REVOLT timeline which includes TTSR -> Minuit -> and the Femsheith fic as we circle the moon which is FEMSHEITH TTSR. (This is the order they were posted in, but chronologically it would be TTSR -> as we circle the moon -> Minuit).

And like, when I first started writing Sheith fic, I’d just spent like 2 years writing VC fic full time, and for the most part I try to keep all my VC fics in the same timeline. Mostly just for fun! It’s become like a creative challenge to me to like keep continuity between fics or hide Easter eggs. So I had written Star Eater as my first Sheith fic and then when I wrote Zero Hour I just thought it would be fun to keep it in the same timeline the way I do with VC. But idk I feel a lot freer writing Sheith than I do VC so it was also inspiring to branch out and not stick to the same formula every time.

Something about Sheith too is there’s SUCH a wealth of fic in the fandom and we’ve read so many hundreds of versions of them as a couple and how they got together and everything and like, you gotta understand that I have like 100 fic ideas on deck at all times and I know I don’t have time to write all of them, so I tend to like weed out ideas to prioritize and budget time for if I think I can say something interesting and maybe subvert some of the common fandom tropes. So yes sure, Sheith are soulmates, yada yada, but WHAT IF THEY WERE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS AND IT WAS AWKWARD ! Or WHAT IF SHIRO NEVER MADE A MOVE UNTIL IT WAS KURON DRIVING BECAUSE KURON WAS LESS INHIBITIED? Listen I’m a slut for angst, too, so like. I’m not really good at writing fluff and it’s not my first choice as a reader, either, so I wanna ask, like sure yada yada soulmates but what if it hurt, or what if it was messy? How can we make this dark and fucked up? Lol

So these two premises are like, places I’ve put a lot of thought, and I think a lot about how that affects their relationship long term and what it says about them. And I think they offer a different flavor, so when I have an idea or I’m in a certain mood, sometimes I think “this would be really nice in whichever timeline.” And a few of my fics they hook up after the war, too! So it really depends like what flavor I’m going for that day and how badly I want to traumatize Keith LOL

But for example, like, TTSR was born in my brain as like misc smut prompts but I thought “It would be subversive if they were FWB" because at the time I never saw canonverse fics where they were FWB, I’d only seen it in AUs. And then when I wrote Minuit it was for the prompt party and my prompt was about Keith nursing Shiro to health after he gets his body back, and I WANTED it to be crampy and uncomfortable and awkward, and I WANTED Shiro to feel guilty and self conscious, and so I thought setting it in TTSR timeline would add to it because it adds that element of like, IS THIS TOO INTIMATE? IS IT TOO SERIOUS? It also includes some flashbacks to when Kuron first shows up, and how he and Keith navigated being around each other, but his memory is sort of fuzzy and he’s disoriented.

I REALLY love thinking about the sort of like, dubcon aspects of Keith fucking Kuron, too, because neither of them are truuuuuuuly consenting. Keithisn't fucking the person he thinks he's fucking, and later on Shiro is bound to be kinda violated knowing that his identity was stolen for it. And would Kuron want to fuck Keith if the Galra wasn't telling him to? I also like the idea that Kuron is not a perfect copy, and maybe he’s bolder, maybe he’s more aggressive, etc. So maybe he did make moves that Shiro didn’t, and Shiro comes back and can’t believe what went on while he was gone. In Star Eater universe it’s sex and in TTSR universe it’s the ilu confession. It's quite violating to everyone involved!

And in both universes I’ve tried to float the idea that Keith could tell something was wrong, or different, but he just assumed it was The Trauma ™. Like Shiro comes back a little bit off, he’s getting migraines, and Keith GETS IT. Keith has also (canonically) made Shiro’s safety his own responsibility, so I wonder if he feels so guilty that he fucked up that he’s not going to push on it. In Zero Hour this takes the shape of Keith not wanting to talk about Kuron at all to real Shiro because he feels so fucking embarrassed that he didn’t notice, and in as we circle the moon (s)he’s struggling the entire time trying to figure out if Shiro needs space to get better or if this is going to be the new normal and how tough the love should be.

One of the reasons re: Kuron why I decided I wanted a clean slate after Zero Hour too is that I kind of regretted the way I interpreted the Kuron lore when I wrote Zero Hour; canon is a little bit unclear about how it works and whether or not Kuron is “dead” or gone from the body. I decided afterwards that I liked the idea of them having to share the space and sort of integrating with each other, which is why I wrote it differently in Minuit. In Star Eater timeline, Kuron’s entire personality is basically AI programmed on what the Galra could map of Shiro’s brain, and WITHOUT GETTING INTO JUNK SCIENCE EXCUSES FOR THE WHY, I just thought maybe it might leave sort of “impressions” in the body, which is why Shiro can sense residual, disjointed memories. I imagined these things like imprints or phantom sensation in his brain, perhaps in the vein of epigenetic trauma.

But in TTSR/Minuit timeline, Shiro is in there WITH HIM and it’s a matter of trying to cooperate who’s in the driver’s seat. I haven’t written this further but I imagine that Real Shiro will one day simply become New Shiro which is him and Kuron sort of integrated as one person; this is why I wrote the scene about him dreaming about a cherished childhood memory except that he’s inserted a twin into it. He will learn to share and accept that Kuron has all his same memories and his own soul, whatever that means.

AND TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS LOL SORRY FOR MEANDERING but I do imagine Kuron being freakier and meaner LOL. Is this grounded in canon or am I making excuses to be kinky? Reader’s choice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can justify it by, again, asking if the Galra made an imperfect copy. Because like he IS different! The show communicates this to us by the subtle changes to his character design. And I think about like, the Galra designing him and programming him for a purpose, which is GET CLOSE TO THE RED PALADIN, and I wonder how that might push him in areas where Shiro would’ve been more reserved.

And like what might the Galra get wrong about human psychology and American culture? WHAT ARE GALRA MATING RITUALS? As the BIG BADDIES of canon they come off as being aggressors—even Lotor, who believed he was acting for a greater good, was committing atrocities LOL—so how does that change when they try to build a human personality and human intention? WHAT IF IT’S LIKE JURASSIC PARK WHERE THEY PATCH DNA GAPS WITH GALRA SO KURON IS LIKE AN ALPHA OR SOMETHING HAHA. But no really like what if he’s more virile, what if he’s more confident, what if everything he does is based on some soul-crushing subconscious instinct to BE CLOSE TO KEITH at any cost!!!

These ideas take many forms in my mind, which is why I need multiple versions with multiple answers LOL.

But TTSR Kuron knows they’re a thing, because I think the Galra were sort of downloading/studying Shiro’s consciousness through his arm the entire time he was alive, right? So up until the very end he’d have Shiro’s memories. He will know they hooked up, and he will know how Shiro felt about it. In as we circle the moon (s)he breaks the ILU to Keith in the pilot’s log because she thinks she’s dying and her entire soul is crushed that she never saw her relationship with Keith through, not just for the half of her that shares Shiro’s feelings but also the other half that exists solely to get to Keith.

Star Eater Kuron knows that Shiro has been pining for a while and is the one who is brave enough to make a move!

ANYWAY THIS WAS QUITE LONG AND RAMBLING but I hope I answered your questions LOL.

I think TTSR exists as a trilogy in my mind, and I hope that the huge gaps between updates don’t leave anyone DYING because I’m going to follow canon so there's not a huge mystery where it will go. You can also get an idea of where they’re going by stitching clues together from the other fics. I have no idea if or when I’ll find time to WRITE A WHOLE TRILOGY (please just let me finish TTSR first LMFAO) but I always imagined TTSR ending around when Shiro dies, the middle fic being about Kuron, and the third as the post-S7 story that I have to make up myself because I don’t accept S8 LOL.

MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL but that’s basically the questions I ask about these guys and how it informs where fics go and if I’m in one mood or another or think one timeline or the other will serve a story I want to tell, I’ll set it there!

and OMG don't apologize for sending Sheith asks, I think all this stuff is like bursting at the seams of my brain and I'm always happy to yell about it!!!

[artsysurvivor]

(This whole rant is mostly inspired by "I'll Be Good" by James Young. Might be helpful to listen to if you want more context).

I want to see fucked up Prince!Halt tbh. Like, he allegedly grew up in a distant/emotionally neglectful household (not too mention the added fucked up™️ things some of the fandom headcanons... *coughs and looks away shamefully*).

Now, previously I made a post on how this sort of thing was kind of normal back then, at least from the parent's side because there were servants to take care of things. But the RA universe is pretty different than what actually happened back then; one example is how Duncan is pretty close to Cassandra, and how later on in the first book of TRR (I haven't read past that one) she and Horace are pretty involved in Maddie's life. It could be that their values on how to take care of a child evolved since Oswald couldn't of been that close to his son seeing that he thought he was a pillager and a murderer—but that could also be explained by Morgarath's emotional manipulation, and, as a side note, he did see a change in "Duncan's" behavior.

For the reasons stated above, we can assume that Halt's parents neglect was not seen as normal and therefore they might've not had as many precautions in place as to take care of a child in a completely healthy way.

So one: he doesn't know how to regulate his emotions well (which is part of the reason why he just... holds it in).

Two: he might've looked for attention/love elsewhere, even if he would tell himself he didn't need it—like when Will's apprenticeship is coming to an end, he marries Pauline and how, during TEY, he almost immediately went with Crowley even though months before his brother had tried to kill him for the third time. (I also kind if relate these events to Halt being with someone similar to his own age literally since birth but that’s a different subject).

Three: he still witnesses the leadership habits of his mother, father, and other nobles; him being a young child doesn't know that's wrong and internalizes it.

Four: He's shown to be very loyal to the people he sees as family in the series, and will break the law to continue his loyalty. (Coughs in how he got banished to save Will—though he did "betray" Crowley/Duncan in that sense, he did it because there was an even greater cause that out weighed the betrayal). So obviously, he'd remain loyal to the people he knew all his life.

Five: he would have at least part of the stress of having to parent his sister. (Which considering the age gap between the two would be especially detrimental—and let’s not forget the affect it would have on Caitlyn).

Six: Not to mention the self-esteem issues that would come up with Ferris very obviously being the favorite child.

Going back to leadership habits, I get the feeling that most royals don't view their citizens as people and more of a means to an end. (This is shown through Ferris when he sides with Tennyson, despite the destruction going on in the towns, just to keep his throne. And, you know, the whole killing-his-brother thing). So, how would that affect Halt's view of the townspeople, especially if he wasn't allowed to interact with them?

And, probably more likely, would he have self-destructive behavior(s)? (Not talking about physical self harm, per say, but more so self sabotaging with relationships and stuff like that. If that makes sense).

Anyway sorry if this is disjointed and hard to understand fjfb like I said this kind of just a rant.

[scourgefrontiers]

oc spotlight: patoto (villainverse)

oh man ok. villainverse patoto. probably one of my favorite ocs ive ever made tbh

he started out as a joke almost, a sort of "what if?" au sorta deal. what if patoto was a villainous saiyan? it sounded like such a fun concept i just had to explore it. and then i came up with this design

which was just SO cool to me i couldnt stop thinking about it. and then before i knew it he became his own character--a patoto from a parallel universe where he was a ruthless warrior, totally opposite from his mainverse counterpart

he developed so fast from there. i gave him a companion that ended up being kinpa, and he developed into kinpa's bodyguard. i gave him a rival that ended up being calabris. i gave him a complicated relationship with his parents, one of which he thought was dead for most of his life (his armor is actually based off of hers to remember her by). his universe grew and his story basically wrote itself i was so obsessed with him and still am

here's his current ref showing how much he's grown

even today im still giving him more development and story! as of right now in the timeline (post-mirrors and post-facets), he has a child with his partner kinpa and his family has grown from just him to a group of six including himself! he's learned to have friends and open his heart to others, and he's gotten so strong im so proud of him.

mirrors would have never existed had i not ran with his concept like i did. his character and story contrasting with mainverse patoto's is just so fun and awesome to me and i've always had fun with it and i feel like i'll continue to have fun with it as well!!

i could honestly keep going about some specific details abt him like his relationship with kinpa and zumeg (both of them) and his father and his kid and. yknow what i will LOL

his relationship with kinpa started as just a bodyguard situation but OF COURSE that developed into an actual partnership bc i love that shit. he was this cold and frankly mean guy that wanted nothing to do with kinpa or being his bodyguard--he hated it. but after getting trapped on earth in a parallel universe, he learned to open up to the idea of having at least one friend and letting himself care about someone for the first time since he was a child.

as for his parents...thats complicated lol. (facets spoilers ahead !!!) his mother zumeg was presumed dead when she didnt return from a battle when he was just a boy, and his father left some time before that, so he was basically raised in an orphanage into adulthood (or at least until he could join the army). he met the mainverse zumeg and that shook him to his core bc she was not only so different but she still cared about him and reminded him what it was like to be loved by his own mother. it wasnt until way later, many many years later, that he decided he wanted to find his father and find out why he left them. after getting that clarification, he chose to give his father a second chance at being part of his life--more for himself than his father, really--and then not long after that he discovered his mother was actually alive, just under someone's control. he saved her, and suddenly he had a family again.

i havent quite developed his story with his kid just yet, but so far what i figure is that he isnt experienced with children at all so he does have a hard time balancing the tough parenting act and the gentle, kind parenting. snake (his son) does feel a pressure to be as great as his father, since he's heard the stories of how he saved the universe before and how he continues to fight and reach new heights. patoto is a little awkward at handling this and has a hard time showing that he's proud of his son and that sort of causes a little tension between them but it eventually works out

basically i love villainverse patoto. a lot. i would die for him actually

[bonesandthebees]

ello bones hope youre doing good

just found even more cool songs thanks to you, how do you always have more???

also WE COULDVE HAD YOU DOING ASL??? aw man :( (/lh)

anyway, I just turned in my paper that ive been working on for the last few months (yay, finally, it ate like all of my free time and energy) and suddenly I have too much free time and not much too read or watch (I had saved so many fics I cant manage to read anymore)

any coming of age books (or fics) or movies recommendations? (I need me some honey and tangerines vibes yk? ive been listening to the playlist too much again. one day I think ill read that fic again, but today is not the day)

much love to go you all in the ask box, eli <3

I'm doing pretty good! went to a yoga class tonight and I'm seeing the tommyinnit live show tomorrow so it's shaping up to be a pretty great weekend!

I actually filmed a video to post here on language day and everything but I wanted to redo it so my face wasn't fully in frame but then I just didn't get around to it :( oh well next time

OOO congrats on turning in that paper!! that's a huge accomplishment, I hope you get a great grade on it. and yay for free time!

oh boy ok coming of age recs I can do this. I haven't read any coming of age books since I was a teenager though so keep in my my memory of these are all hazy

books:

the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky - hallmarker of the coming of age genre, read this when I was 16 and cried, even if you've seen the movie I highly recommend the book

aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe by benjamin alire saenz - literally was one of my favorite books for so many years. I read it when I was 15 and became obsessed with it. I still look back on it so warmly it's just such a great book

it's kind of a funny story by ned vizzini - also read this one when I was like 16ish. I remembered enjoying it but not as much as the other two I've listed here. still very good though!

movies:

cha cha real smooth (2022) - actually one of my favorite coming of age films I've ever seen. it's a coming of age film about a guy in his early 20s instead of in his teens which is refreshing in its own. it hit particularly hard for me because I saw it when I was 22 and freshly graduated from college unsure what to do, the main character is 22 and freshly graduated from college unsure what to do. it's also a very unique setup and I really loved how they pulled it off

the edge of seventeen (2016) - this might be a controversial pick because the main character is actually pretty insufferable in this, but that's part of why I enjoyed it. the character is meant to be insufferable. she's a teenage girl dealing with the hell of being a teenage girl and she sucks! it's an intentional thing and it does it very well! I would say it still falls flat in some areas, but I'm mainly recommending it because it's so refreshing to have an mc genuinely be a shitty person

sing street (2016) - I count this as a coming of age movie but it's also kind of a music movie? it's incredibly fun no matter what. the songs are so catchy, the characters are all great, and the relationships are just all very well done

the kings of summer (2013) - genuinely why do I never hear anyone talk about this movie. I haven't seen it in so long but I remember it being incredibly funny with a great dose of summertime whimsy

hunt for the wilderpeople (2016) - tbh I never thought of this as a coming of age movie and it might be a bit different than most of the films on here but I was looking up lists of coming of age movies to try and remember which ones I've seen and I saw this one mentioned a few times. if you're a fan of taika waititi films, in my opinion this is his best one hands down. it's hilarious but also incredibly sweet and heartwarming at the same time

moonrise kingdom (2012) - very charming and storybook esque in the way all wes anderson films are, but with a really sweet story between two kids at its core. again, different from most of the ones on this list, but definitely an enjoyable one all the same

hope this list helps!

[destinyc1020]

I really like yr dissertations so ur fine lol i b writing novels as well wen i comment 😭

Yea honestly Kaias book club is good n she has great quesions for her guests n seems passionate about it. With her being so young and just the ignorance she has about nepotism/her priveldge it just makes her seem out of touch. Shes nt as bad as other nepo kids bt it dnt help her that shes moving away from the skill shes good at (modeling) and the thing she seems to want to do (acting), shes nt currently good at. This was the art comment: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/ellendurney/kaia-gerber-said-nepotism-isnt-how-art-is-made. i remember ppl clowning her for it cuz she def got a starring role in AHS cuz she auditioned with her mom and her unintentionally calling her acting "art" is just 😬 (n like u said prob due to her being naive she mignt nt even realize her being ignorant). JE n Kaia looked miserable going to that Academy Musuem thing lmao bt they seemed fine IRL most of the time

Welp Kaia learned wat NOT to do after dating Zs ex lmaoo talking about loving that man wen they only lasted a yr.. gurl 🫣. She eems to b a fan of Z now so good for her lol

W/Austin i def agree Kaia seems like a safe choice. Theres a difference between a older woman (or just a woman around his age) who is prob established in her career and mayb wanting the nxt steps in her personal life (marriage or kids) vs a 21 yr old who is still figuring out wat she wants bt has the financial means to hang out with her bf a lot more and prob isnt thinkin bout her future rn. Austin is the best bf Kaias had so far based on how her parents seem to really like him so i think their all relieved in that aspect. i think Austin dsnt like to b single for too long either tbh. i really dnt know how this relationship bout to go lol

Thnx Anon! 🥰

Glad you enjoy my dissertations lol.

Yea Kaia's book club seems great. I've seen a couple of them over the years actually. I'm all for ppl enjoying whatever hobbies make them happy, and reading seems to be an avid hobby of hers.

Her mom Cindy is actually pretty smart. She graduated with honors and had a full scholarship to attend university for Chemical Engineering if I'm not mistaken. So maybe Kaia takes after her mom's intellectual side.🤷🏾‍♀️

But, like you said, she's still very young, naïve, and basically been living in a wealthy, southern CA bubble her whole entire life imo.

Granted, she's had some life experiences that many young women her age have never had, but she's still been pretty sheltered and just comes off as a little out of touch with the "real world" if you ask me.

Again, it's not a huge slight in itself, but more so just a testament to the fact that she was born in wealth, and she's only 21 lol 😅

I'm sorry Anon lol 😅 I couldn't with this article you linked. See, yet again.... You can tell that she's a sweet girl, but very naïve..... just in MY opinion lol.

I don't think she realizes that her mom doesn't have to call in to beg people to put her on the runway or in films. I don't think she realizes that just by being Rande and Cindy's daughter, she automatically has a leg up just due to her name ONLY.

And ummm.... according to what I've heard... 👀 Supposedly, some hard-working actresses who've come from nothing and have had to WORK their way up, have complained about losing parts to Kaia Gerber, even though they are better actresses. 🥴 Again, sip or spit, but that's just what I've heard. 👀

So yea, some people aren't happy that she's been getting a lot of opportunities (even in the modeling world) just for her name and familial background only.

Re: Austin....

Like I said before, I REALLY don't seem him settling down anytime soon. I'm not getting those vibes from him. I'm sure he loves her and her family, but he seems more focused on his career rn imo. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Plus, they haven't even dated each other for 2 years yet. Idk why some fans are pushing marriage on them, or trying to make it seem like she's "the one".

I personally would not advise someone (especially an ACTOR) who travels a LOT for a living, and works away from home for months out of the year, to go and put a ring on a girl he's barely known not even two years yet. 🥴 Could it happen? Yes. But I wouldn't advise it.

I know he doesn't like to be single for too long (a lot of ppl don't lol 😂), but if he and Kaia do break up one day, my advice to him would be to take a sabbatical and just be SINGLE for a few months lol.

Based on what I saw during the awards season, I'm sure he'd have PLENTY of female options (young AND old! 👀) if he and Kaia were to ever spilt up rofl 🤣 So he doesn't have to worry about not having any options.

Idk how the rlshp will go, but they seem happy, and I can't hate on them. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I don't get the vibe that they're endgame though. Idk why, but as of right now, I'm just not seeing it. Plus, Leo DiCaprio has dated a ton of young, pretty models all his life. If they were really what they're cracked up to be, wouldn't you think he would have married one of those women by now, or at the very least, made one of these models his life partner by now? Leo's longest rlshp has been Gisele Bundchen, and they were together for 5 years. He to this day has not been in a rlshp longer than that. So, obviously, dating models isn't really the endgame for him either! You would think that after all these years, he would try smthg different since the young, 25 year old model thing hasn't been working out lol 😆

Anyway, I just hope Austin is staying smart in his decisions. Kaia's family has always kind of made me give them the side-eye.... Supposedly, female employees from Rande's business have accused him of sexual harassment.... 👀 I remember the days when Kaia looked like she may have had an ED 👀..... The son, Presley, has been giving signs to me that he's been crying out for help for years.... 🥴 They've allowed their daughter to date grown men ever since she was a teenager.... 🥴👀

Idk... part of me wants to tell Austin: "Austin run! Please run.... there's smthg off with this family!!!!" 😬

But hey, it's not my life lol 😆 And who knows? Maybe one day she will be Mrs. Kaia Butler. 🤭

[brzatto]

i love f1 i grew up with that dumb silly sport if i didn't limit myself on how many fics im writing i would've been thrown into one by now so im trying to be normal and finish what i have. i always get into rarepairs and write for them but im contributing to the problem too by not posting and staring at my google docs hoping it just finishes itself. whats worse is that carmrich is such a good ship there is so much packed into both their characters that goes together and fits into so many aus i hate their repressed traumatised asses so much (affectionate)

the only knowledge i had about f1 prior to this was basically just being aware of its existence and originally i just thought it’d be hot if carmy were a racecar driver but in his same sad obliviously sexy tormented way plus the basis of his character translates very well into f1verse (growing up with racing instead of cooking and developing his passion for it through mikey, losing mikey to a racing accident and therefore dedicating himself to going pro in mikey’s honor, his one track minded ambition, his passion, his drive, his competitiveness, starting out super young and very quickly being able to accelerate to the top etc etc; these things all make way more sense for him as a racer than as a chef tbh because i’m still trying to figure out when he had time to complete culinary school and establish himself in fine dining before being named food&wine’s best new chef at 21) but then as i started learning more and more about the sport all the pieces just continued to fall into place. in my au sydney is also a racer and her and carmy definitely have a vicious unspoken rivalry going on like everything about their canon relationship meshes so well with the au it’s a little nutty (also richie is carmy’s race engineer LMFAO.) i think my original vision for the au was generally pretty lighthearted but as i started actually writing it it started becoming weirdly angsty? it’s always complicated putting carmrich in aus because the foundation of their dynamic carries over and they’re just two dysfunctional painful men no matter how you look at them. i’ve imagined them in way too many aus to count (f1, pacrim, thg, stargate atlantis, avatar but like the blue people, old western but think more like brokeback mountain vibes rather than your average spaghetti western, etc etc you get the idea) and a lot of them are a little outlandish and suuuper detached from canon but that’s what fanfiction is for that’s what makes it fun!!! especially for a fandom like the bear where most if not all the fic content is still kept pretty close within the limits of the canon universe and doesn’t really stray too far from the canon setting + a ship like carmrich which is already rare and has very little fan content to its name i think we def need more silly little aus that explore their dynamic in new ways apart from canon while keeping the basis of their characters the same. their dynamic is sooo good and layered and deliciously complex whether you interpret them as romantic or not they always deserve to be explored more methinks

it’s also always interesting hearing about what other people’s writing processes are like because for me i can’t ever limit myself to only working on a handful of fics at once because all my ideas/aus come to me in maladaptive daydreams where i literally write out paragraphs word for word in my head so i HAVE to put them down or else i’ll lose them forever. i think people who commit themselves to just one fic/a certain number of fics at a time are super impressive but unfortunately i will always be cursed to cycling between 50 different google docs and creating new ones on a whim each time anything remotely new pops into my head. props to you